I don’t play video games (with the exception of Mario), but this past week I found myself in a room with an Xbox. While trying to open the Netflix app, I accidentally played Grand Theft Auto for the first time. This is what happened.
My character was a dude. I wanted to choose a girl character, but whatever. That’s okay.
I was in a house. I tried to move but instead grabbed my cell phone and called Amanda. She wasn’t home. After swiveling the joystick a couple times and turning circles and going up the stairs and down the stairs, I left the house.
The character walks like an inbred gorilla. Like, is that supposed to be a strut? Seriously?
The red car was parked just outside the house, and I stood next to it like a tool. Instead of getting inside it, I kicked the window. It’s my own car! Why would I do that?
After getting in the car and trying to leave the driveway, my guy did about eighteen Y turns, banging back and forth between brick walls and gates. Then I somehow jammed the car between the gate and a cement pillar, and trapped myself. Shoot.
Okay. I’d gotten in the car, so I probably had to push the same button to get out. I couldn’t remember which button to push, so I made a guess, and accidentally grabbed the cell phone again and called for a taxi.
I panicked because for some reason a taxi arriving right now would be embarrassing. I got out of the car and discovered I’d trapped myself in the tiny space where the car was wedged.
Somehow (a miracle, probably), I got back into the car and maneuvered it just a little (banging into a tree) and got out of the car all before the cab driver arrived.
I calmly zigzagged my way out the front gate (because walking straight would have been giving into the narrow minded views of the Man) and immediately went all crouching tiger, hidden dragon while holding a gun at the ready.
Wait. Where did the gun come from?!
I started experimenting with buttons again and shot at a runner over and over and over. The runner screamed and flailed and ran away again.
Then I walked into a bush.
Then I punched the bush.
Then I jumped over the bush with the gun and shot at some chick in the courtyard of a nice mansion. There was a swimming pool, into which I immediately jumped. I swam around and around and went in and out of the pond, wasting like, two minutes playing.
Once I was swum out, I walked calmly up the swimming pool stairs as though it was perfectly natural to take a dip wearing a suit and holding a loaded pistol. Then I turned and walked up the stairs of the mansion, crouching very inconspicuously some more.
I tried to get my character to walk like a normal human.
Then I got bored and quit the game.
The next day I felt ambitious and tried playing again.
I walked outside and took a constipated Quasimodo stance as I stalked a woman in a backless dress. Then, instead of getting my phone as intended, I kicked her in the back.
Some guy walking past called me a jerk, beat me up, and killed me.
Elizabeth Meyer is a blogger with a passion for travel, art, health, and peanut butter (in that order). After a year of teaching English abroad in Thailand and independent backpacking, she now resides in Minnesota, pursuing a career in teaching English as a Second Language. Check out her blog, Life is Not a Casserole.